I am trying my best to adjust. I spent so much of my time focused on finishing my dissertation that I think I forgot how to have a life. The weekends are the hardest. The years I spent feeling guilt for not working on my writing during a nice weekend, or for hating myself on a Monday for the time I spent procrastinating on Sunday have become embedded in my psyche. Can a person have PTSD from completing a PhD I wonder? Turns out I am not the only one who feels like this. A quick Google search for PhD- PTSD brings this, and then this. I have a feeling there are plenty more stories out there like that.
It is Sunday night and that familiar feeling of dread tugs at me. I know that my work is unfinished, that I am not prepared for the coming week. I have spent the better part of this weekend prepping for my classes, but I am not satisfied. I know I must have left some important information off of my powerpoint, or that the videos I have chosen for the class are not quite right. Should I really be relied upon to teach history? There is so much I don't know. It's that imposter syndrome creeping in on me again. I am so good at doubting my capabilities. But yet I keep going. If there is anything I have learned over the years it is that, just keep going, even if I don't have a clue what I am doing. I know I will somehow figure it out along the way.
I appreciate how you share your honesty as a new Ph.D. What an accomplishment and at the same time what an adjustment to a new normal. It is likely you are in your hardest semester and that you are doing just fine. Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteWhile my accomplishment pales in comparison to your completion of your PhD, I found myself drawn to your post as I am learning to navigate and adjust to a new normal. Moving two boys to college three weeks ago has left me floundering to remember who I am. Your line " the weekends are the hardest" has rummaged through my brain a million times this weekend. It is amazing how completing one of the biggest tasks of your life can make adjusting to a new normal almost paralyzing. Thank you for your post! It motivated me out of my own version of Sunday night dread.
ReplyDeleteI understand this feeling so well Christy! I cried for weeks when my kids went to college. Every time I went by the empty room my heart sank. It does get better! Once you get into a routine and they come back for visits on holidays that becomes the new normal and you feel less alone.
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